Working and kids

I forgot how hard it is to try and work again and have kids. I don't have a set schedule yet so I'm trying to rely onm y family and find last minute babysitters. I don't make enough at this job to even consider finding a real babysitter or daycare. I don't even make enough at this job to even go in but I kind of like it. I wonder if babysitters these days wouldn't mind getting paid in Trident layers like on the commercials. I'll try it. The money I make right now isn't worth being away from my kids or the hassle of finding someone to watch them. I kind of like it though if I made a dollar more i would probably consider staying. I'm looking into a night job right now though and if I get that try it out and make enough money I'm sadly going to quit this one. My baby spent 2 nights at my grandmas and I missed him too much. I miss sending my 5 year old off to school and making sure he's dressed and does his homework and snack. The teacher doesn't know what's going on and I feel if that stuff isn't done right it looks bad on me. I think she already doesn't like me cause I'm a younger mom. What can you do though? I'm just going to try and deal with things he best I can and take it day to day.

Dad

I wrote this for my dad. He died before I ever met him.

Why can't I be a writer? Why can't I do the one thing i yearn to do? To be good at? Why do my words come out so amateur, so plain? I want to be creative. I want to be inspirational. For my words to sound beautiful. A writer, that's all I wanted to be. Why can't I be the one thing I would love to do? I want to be more then just a mother and a wife. Though I love being those two things above all. I want to be me, an individual. I don't know who I am. What is my favorite color? Is it really yellow? My favorite movie? Song? Can you just tell me what they are and make it easier on me? So I feel like I kno myself. Who are you anyways? I want to live life. Not watch it pass by.I want to be good at something. At this.I have realized I can not force myself to be somehing I am not.Why can't I be though? Why have this urge to be a writer is I'm never going to be good at it?
I don't know you. I've seen your face only through the stillness of a photo. I've never heard your voice, but I assume it's one of love. I've never heard your laughter but your smile meets your eyes. I've never met you but I feel you. I've never known you.
You wrote, I try to write.
You listened, I listen.
I've done bad, but you've done worse.
You were lost, and at times I feel the same.
You're blood is my blood.
I've never seen you, I've never heard you, and I've never known you. Though I feel as if I know you as if we met. You're a bigger part of me then I would have known. And I don't know how I feel about that.


It was just something old I found in one of my notebooks. I tend to buy different notebooks start to write nad never finish or stray from it cause I get so frustrated so I have tons of notebooks with things written here and there. lol

Supportive

funny video
Click on the link to watch this funny video on why moms can't make mommy friends. It is so true it's funny. Some moms are definitely like that. I don't understand that. I don't agree maybe with the ways some moms do thing but I don't take it personally to them. I do things differently from some as well and would hope they don't hold it against me. I took this from another friend's blog cause it hit home. Someone may have been raised differently than you or informed diffferently than you. I take it as an opportunity to learn new things and see their point of view. i may not agree but learning something new everyday keeps your mind working and keeps you open minded. I try to be the least judgemental person. I have been judge wrongly and know how it feels. So has everyone at some point I'm sure and that's why I don't understand how some people can still be so judgemental and argue to the death about things. People are not always going to se eye to eye. Accept them for the person they are or just leave them be. There's no point in getting nasty or arguing about something someone believes in. They are not going to change and neither are you. I wish moms would be more supportive and understanding instead of saying how someone or something is wrong. To share your point of view is one thing to argue tooth and nail is another. So, in taking my own advice I am going to try today and be more positive and supportive. Supportive

Believability

It's my new word. My son has such believability it amazes me. He believes in everything. Santa the Easter bunny, most of all God. I haven't been to church when I was little well high school around maybe and I have gone maybe twice with my son. He believes in God so much though it amazes me. He asks me a million questions and he loves God. Truly. My husbands grandmother passes away March of this year and I think that's where this all began. He believes she is in heaven just having a great time. He prays when he is being bad and asks God to forgive him and he always misses his grandmother. I'm glad he has such believability in things. I wish as an adult i could have that for myself. My parents told me when I was in kindergarten that santa wasn't real and as a kid that wasn't fun. I got in trouble in my kindergarten class and had to sit outside my classroom door when I told the class santa wasn't real. a child in my opinion should not have to go through that. It's great for a child to believe and have imagination being so young. They have the rest of their lives to be grown ups. My aunt is Christian as well and they have told their children that santa is not real. Their children have tried to convince my son that he is not real but he will fight them tooth and nail that he is. And so will I. I know a lot of people do not agree on this issue and do not expect everyone too. this is my way and my way only and do not judge others for theirs. I consider myself a Christian even though I do not go to church every Sunday, read the bible everyday, and I do forget to pray. Things I need to work on, but nonetheless I believe in God. I am amazed at how much my son does and is happy for his grandmother for being with God. It was her birthday yesterday and my husband, his mom and his sister all got tattoos in rememberance of her. They are Catholic and Irish.

He was very excited about it and it mean a lot to him. I hope my son keeps his believability for a long time. I know eventually he will grow up and learn the truth and slowly it will be diminish. I just hope he keeps some of it. For his hopes and his dreams and in people and life. He is 5, but he is an old soul and growing so fast. It brought a tear to my eye watching him talk to his grandma. He knows she is watching out for him and I hope he continue to talks to her all the time and has someone to tell his secrets to.

                                 

Blog Award

                                 






I had my first award today and it felt great. I just started blogging so it keeps me motivated to do more! Thank you so much and I hope those that I pick feel just as special. I would like to thank  Surviving Motherhood

Now for the rules for winning this award

• Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.
• Share 7 things about yourself.
• Pass the award along to 15 other bloggers who you recently discovered and think are fabulous.
• Contact the bloggers you chose and let them know about the award.

                                   Seven Things About Me 

1. I love being at home with my kids but sometimes I can't wait to go back to work to talk to adults. It's so rewarding being a sahm mom but it's rewarding in a different way to go to work and accomplish something.
2.I am extremely open maybe more then i should be but I don't feel i should have to hide who I am for someone to like me. Take me as I am or not at all.
3. I have always had a passion to write and would love to make it what I do but I'm afraid I'll never be good at it so I always start something but never finish through with it.
4. I love doing crafty things but don't think I have a creative bone in my body.
5. I love learning new things. Once I learn how to do something I do it over and over again so I remember it and feel so great. I need to learn more things.
6. I wish I had more mommy friends sometimes or friends near me, but even when I do I tend to pull away from them. I have been disappointed by so many friends so much that I feel it's almost not worth getting that close to people.
7. I have been on and off with my husband since I was 15 which is 10 years ago and I think I love him more now then ever. things are going so great but then usually something bad happens so I'm almost always holding my breathe. I think this time may be different.


                                                 15 fab Blogs I Choose

                                                Through the rain
                                                The Tipsy Cook
                                                Stoic Tia
                                                Snips and Snails and Tales
                                                My eleven Reasons
                                                Mumsyhood
                                                Jenn'slife
                                                Cookin' with Super Pickle
                                                Ashley...plus three
                                                Pacifiers, Pumps & The World
                                                Victoria's Voice
                                                Isis...Then & Now
                                                Remember Ember
                                                Let me think!
                                                Ad Bits

More hours, more fun

I wish I had one more hour in the day so I could spend it relaxing and blogging. Though I think if i had one more hour I would spend it cleaning or something lol. Isn't that how it goes. Well things have just been so busy these last few days. Tuesday I babysat which i do not recommend. When it is your children you have a certain patience and love for them. When it is someone else's it's totally different I think lol. I was just about going crazy that day. Not to mention I also went running around after they left. I wanted to do something special for my husband. We have been getting along so well lately i want to try everything I can to keep it that way. It always seems like we get along so well and then we have a huge fight. So I spend that wonderful time we have almost holding my breathe waiting for the fight to come. It usually does, but probably because I am expecting it to happen to. Well this time I am just going to enjoy it. So anyways, I wanted to do something special and his grandma used to make crab cakes him and his family all loved around the holidays. She passed away earlier this year. I looked up how to make them online but there is such a variety. I decided to give it a go anyways. Well of course I buy everything make them and they are the wrong way. I never tried them because I don't like seafood. (except tuna fish sandwiches which is weird. Must be a childhood thing) Apparently she put it on english muffins almost as a spread and added like half a brick of velveeta cheese. I don't know why but I started crying lol. My husband felt bad he didn't really like them cause they tasted like fish and he hates that taste.I just wanted to be able to do something special for them cause i know it's going to be hard when the holidays come this year and she's not here. It will be the first year. He was touched though that I tried and that meant a lot to him. Yesterday I went out to lunch with my grandma and had a margarita. i think a margarita in the afternoons should be mandatory for mothers. lol. She also wanted to take my youngest with her and that was fine by me he loves going over there and they love him so much. Not to mention today I am supposed to be babysitting today if they ever come. She tells me 8 and here it is almost 9. I could have slept for at least another hour. haha oh well I got my blog time in and at least I made it productive did a load of dishes too. I suppose I'll get back to my sahm duties and clean a little more while my oldest is still sleeping and I have time to do these things. I'll try and get on later if they come and tell you how horrible babysitting is going lo.

Home vs Out, thankful to be able to go crazy

This was never even a debate in my mind it was always out. Going out with my friends was an escape for me. A way to make me feel like me and let the stresses of the week melt away. It made me feel like a person. Being a stay at home mom after I had my last son was different for me. I worked at the same job for 3 years. They became my family and my outlet to vent about everythin and I actually enjoyed going to my job. I realized that more then ever when I became a stay at home mom after a while. My husband and I would fight a lot about me going out and why I felt I needed to. He still got to go to work. To talk to adults and vent about me and his stress. lol. I can vent to my 5 year old on how sometimes they drive me crazy. I can vent to my husband how he was being a pain that day. I also can't brag about how awesome my kids are or how my husband makes me feel so lucky everyday. I felt I was just becoming a mom and a wife and I was losing who I was. I say this all the time. I'm not just a mom or a wife I'm me. Though lately I have become more content with hanging out at home on the weekends and maybe having a few drinks. Putting the kids to bed and hanging out online or having fun at home with some friends over. I don't know what the change is. I don't know if my husband and I are happier and I feel more content or if I am just growing older and realizing that be a mom and a wife is who I am. It's made me who I am and it will always be that way. I thinks it's the growing older and wiser thing. lol. I've had so many transformations in my life in who I am and it has always been because of something. Becoming a wife and mother is just another factor in my life that made me who I am. Not change who i am. I should be thankful for being a wife and mother instead of worrying how it has or will change me. The fact of the matter is it made me and changed me into a better person then who I would be if I wasn't these things. I'm humble and grateful, PATIENT and kind, I'm not conceited or cocky. I appreciate the little things and moments in life. If I didn't go through the things I have I wouldn't be such a wonderful person and I know that for a fact. You never realize how much of a better person you really become when you become these things. No one ever tells you that you are these things either. So thank your husband and kids for making you who you are. Of course at times they may turn you into a total certified person. haha, but you would never have the patients not to kill them had you not taken the tools to control yourself in such situations. Some women are not lucky enough to be as good of women as we are now then we would have been,

Sick babies, and superior teachers.

My poor 13 month old is sick with bronchitis. It's not the first time and it certainly won't be the last. My husband gets it and so does my other son. Its hereditary. It's so sad cause he has a runny nose he looks miserable and coughs all morning and night long. Does being sick seem to bother him though. No way. He's up and about running around right now. I'm surprised he has so much energy from coughing all night long. Guess it didn't seem to wake him up only me. I feel like I'm the one sick even though I just got over it. We mom take it upon ourselves to feel our babies misery. Or what should be. If I have to feel his pain and sickness I want to feel his energy too. I'll take the cons but give me some pros!

       Last night I went to go visit my 5 year old son's kindergarten class for open house. Now I'm already upset at the fact that last week we had run out of ziplock bags for his lunch. Well he wanted peaches since we went to the farmers market that day and got some. So all I had was some cling wrap. I put it in there well wrapped and told my son to put it in his backpack nicely. He obviously did not. I got a note home from school saying his snack was all over his folder(which is wipeable) and his snack needs to be in a ziploc bag. I bought some more ziploc bags while he was in school of course so getting this note made me very upset. This is the first time this happened and I don't know if she thinks I'm an idiot or not because I'm young. I looked at his folder and there was no sign that any peach was on it. I sent a note back saying I didn't realize we didn't have anymore ziploc bags (my husband also uses them for work so like he would tell me we were out) that day and that I of course bought some while he was at school and sorry if there was any mess. So, to last night the kids had some art work they cut out and painted on the walls. Well I guess my son messed up and cut the inside of what t hey were supposed to cut and not the outside so I guess he felt embarrassed and went to throw it away. The teacher said she explained to him that all he had to do was ask for help, BUT she did not hang his picture on the wall like the rest of the kids. I was infuriated. I didn't know what to say. So you tell him to ask for help but then don't put his on the wall like some sort of outcast? what is he supposed to think about that. She said," I didn't hang up his picture cause obviously..." cause obviously what? I wanted to give it to her right there. I was so extremely pissed off about it I didn't know what to do I was dumb founded. I don't know if I am over reacting or what. I wish I knew what the right thing to do in this situation. My instinct is telling me one thing, but me not wanting to be part of the young mother jerk off group I didn't say what I wanted to. I want to write a letter and tell her how upset i was but I just don't know. I don't want her to get upset and treat my son differently, but I want her to know how upset I was as well.

No time to be sick

Don't you love how being a mom means you can never be sick? cause someone else always is, and if not they need you for something. I want to lay in bed curled up with a movie and some tea. Be fed medicine and taken care of. Instead I feel sick, my throat hurts, I'm coughing and my body feels over all sick and ready to throw up. BUT..... My son needs breakfast, the dog needs to be fed and waled, my other son needs breakfast, he needs his backpack ready for school, cloths laid out, make sure he makes his bed and brushes his teeth, change the baby,, get him dressed, get a bra on?, drink a quick shake(no real breakfast for me), brush my teeth(kind of), put away dishes, wash dishes, get my sons shoes on, put his snack in his bag, get everyone in the car, buckle up, off to school, back from school, bottle, change, nap (baby not me), pay bills, argue with bills, stress bills, look for work, then remember I need to eat lunch. Wait. It's only lunch time?

Why Mom Wife Sarah???

Well I decided to blog and that was a relatively easy title. I mean its my life in a nut shell even if I don't understand it all the time. I'm a mom first a foremost, I'm a wife, and I'm me. Sarah. I suppose I do come last. Isn't that the way life is suppose to work? I'm not sure about that either. I wonder all the time about things. Then wonder if I'm crazy. I love my kids to death. 2 boys. 5 and 1. Love my husband (at least today) he's a great man. (at least today)Though sometimes even though I love the love from my kids and my family I wonder. What about me? Is that so totally selfish? I never would but i wonder what if I just left it all today? Took a few hundred disappeared and traveled the world? Went places I will never see? Experience things I never will. What if I had the life I dream I should be having instead of the one I have? The answer? It would be fun. It would be exhilarating. I'd miss my kids so damn much. they drive me crazy, but they drive me crazy in love. Sure there's always what ifs. there will always be I wonders. Not everyone is rich enough to have a vacation to another country every year. Then again not everyone is lucky enough to have a beautiful child call them mommy. not everyone is lucky enough to feel the miracle even if dreadfully painful that birth brings. I feel lucky. I feel lucky to wake up everyday and be a mom. To love my kids and have them sass me back. To have my husband there when I need him and for him to love me. Though I am a mother and a wife I am still me. I am still Sarah and I always will be, or try to be. I will try and go out on the the weekends with my friends because I need someone to talk to or feel like a person. I will lay in bed a watch tv on my son's nap time. I will go on my computer and Facebook with old friends and envy their no worry life. I will dance till i sweat. I will look at my boys and wonder how I did such a wonderful job with them so far an hope they will turn out the men they should be. I hope they have values and pride. I hope i can balance all these things throughout my entire life. Cause I'm not just one person. I'm 3. And that should put me in superhero category.