Thursday, January 20, 2011

A sad time

I have not blogged in a while and it's hard even getting back in the groove of it but i am definitley going to try more. There has just been so much going on in my life lately it's been hard to get a minute to sit at the computer and blog and write down all the thoughts and things going on in my life. So i will do a quick summary and update and try to make more blogs explaining feeling and other houghts and things going on with me. My brother in law passed away at the beginning of December which made all the holidays difficult as if it wasn't going to make daily life mmore complicated in the first place.
My BIL wasn't just that he was one of my great friends. I knew him before I knew my husband and he was over at my house everyday even when i was in school because he went to night school. he would be at my house watching my little brothers for my mom sometimes. He had a drug problem and he was doing so much better. he seemed actually really happy being clean. The happiest I have seen him in a long time if almost ever. He was over all the time and playing with my sons who he adored. Then he made that mistake which I feel is my fault and I will get into later. My 5 year old was totally heartbroken he will never see his uncle again they became so close at the end it was amazing. I hurt for my 1 year old who will never remember how much his uncle loved him. So it's been hard dealing with all this then everyone was sick and my husband has had such a hard time on and off with this and trying to deal with it on my own while putting on a strong front for my family. I have never had anyone this close to me pass before so it was hard. We are just now starting to get back into our daily routine and get things somewhat back to normal. That is until next month when it is his birthday and my husbands birthday. they are on the same day so I assume he is going to take it very hard on that day probably week. so, i just wanted to do a quick update while I was waiting for my son to finish his breakfast for school and I will definitely try to get back on more.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Working and kids

I forgot how hard it is to try and work again and have kids. I don't have a set schedule yet so I'm trying to rely onm y family and find last minute babysitters. I don't make enough at this job to even consider finding a real babysitter or daycare. I don't even make enough at this job to even go in but I kind of like it. I wonder if babysitters these days wouldn't mind getting paid in Trident layers like on the commercials. I'll try it. The money I make right now isn't worth being away from my kids or the hassle of finding someone to watch them. I kind of like it though if I made a dollar more i would probably consider staying. I'm looking into a night job right now though and if I get that try it out and make enough money I'm sadly going to quit this one. My baby spent 2 nights at my grandmas and I missed him too much. I miss sending my 5 year old off to school and making sure he's dressed and does his homework and snack. The teacher doesn't know what's going on and I feel if that stuff isn't done right it looks bad on me. I think she already doesn't like me cause I'm a younger mom. What can you do though? I'm just going to try and deal with things he best I can and take it day to day.

Monday, September 27, 2010


I wrote this for my dad. He died before I ever met him.

Why can't I be a writer? Why can't I do the one thing i yearn to do? To be good at? Why do my words come out so amateur, so plain? I want to be creative. I want to be inspirational. For my words to sound beautiful. A writer, that's all I wanted to be. Why can't I be the one thing I would love to do? I want to be more then just a mother and a wife. Though I love being those two things above all. I want to be me, an individual. I don't know who I am. What is my favorite color? Is it really yellow? My favorite movie? Song? Can you just tell me what they are and make it easier on me? So I feel like I kno myself. Who are you anyways? I want to live life. Not watch it pass by.I want to be good at something. At this.I have realized I can not force myself to be somehing I am not.Why can't I be though? Why have this urge to be a writer is I'm never going to be good at it?
I don't know you. I've seen your face only through the stillness of a photo. I've never heard your voice, but I assume it's one of love. I've never heard your laughter but your smile meets your eyes. I've never met you but I feel you. I've never known you.
You wrote, I try to write.
You listened, I listen.
I've done bad, but you've done worse.
You were lost, and at times I feel the same.
You're blood is my blood.
I've never seen you, I've never heard you, and I've never known you. Though I feel as if I know you as if we met. You're a bigger part of me then I would have known. And I don't know how I feel about that.

It was just something old I found in one of my notebooks. I tend to buy different notebooks start to write nad never finish or stray from it cause I get so frustrated so I have tons of notebooks with things written here and there. lol


funny video
Click on the link to watch this funny video on why moms can't make mommy friends. It is so true it's funny. Some moms are definitely like that. I don't understand that. I don't agree maybe with the ways some moms do thing but I don't take it personally to them. I do things differently from some as well and would hope they don't hold it against me. I took this from another friend's blog cause it hit home. Someone may have been raised differently than you or informed diffferently than you. I take it as an opportunity to learn new things and see their point of view. i may not agree but learning something new everyday keeps your mind working and keeps you open minded. I try to be the least judgemental person. I have been judge wrongly and know how it feels. So has everyone at some point I'm sure and that's why I don't understand how some people can still be so judgemental and argue to the death about things. People are not always going to se eye to eye. Accept them for the person they are or just leave them be. There's no point in getting nasty or arguing about something someone believes in. They are not going to change and neither are you. I wish moms would be more supportive and understanding instead of saying how someone or something is wrong. To share your point of view is one thing to argue tooth and nail is another. So, in taking my own advice I am going to try today and be more positive and supportive. Supportive

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


It's my new word. My son has such believability it amazes me. He believes in everything. Santa the Easter bunny, most of all God. I haven't been to church when I was little well high school around maybe and I have gone maybe twice with my son. He believes in God so much though it amazes me. He asks me a million questions and he loves God. Truly. My husbands grandmother passes away March of this year and I think that's where this all began. He believes she is in heaven just having a great time. He prays when he is being bad and asks God to forgive him and he always misses his grandmother. I'm glad he has such believability in things. I wish as an adult i could have that for myself. My parents told me when I was in kindergarten that santa wasn't real and as a kid that wasn't fun. I got in trouble in my kindergarten class and had to sit outside my classroom door when I told the class santa wasn't real. a child in my opinion should not have to go through that. It's great for a child to believe and have imagination being so young. They have the rest of their lives to be grown ups. My aunt is Christian as well and they have told their children that santa is not real. Their children have tried to convince my son that he is not real but he will fight them tooth and nail that he is. And so will I. I know a lot of people do not agree on this issue and do not expect everyone too. this is my way and my way only and do not judge others for theirs. I consider myself a Christian even though I do not go to church every Sunday, read the bible everyday, and I do forget to pray. Things I need to work on, but nonetheless I believe in God. I am amazed at how much my son does and is happy for his grandmother for being with God. It was her birthday yesterday and my husband, his mom and his sister all got tattoos in rememberance of her. They are Catholic and Irish.
He was very excited about it and it mean a lot to him. I hope my son keeps his believability for a long time. I know eventually he will grow up and learn the truth and slowly it will be diminish. I just hope he keeps some of it. For his hopes and his dreams and in people and life. He is 5, but he is an old soul and growing so fast. It brought a tear to my eye watching him talk to his grandma. He knows she is watching out for him and I hope he continue to talks to her all the time and has someone to tell his secrets to.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Blog Award


I had my first award today and it felt great. I just started blogging so it keeps me motivated to do more! Thank you so much and I hope those that I pick feel just as special. I would like to thank  Surviving Motherhood

Now for the rules for winning this award

  • Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.
  • Share 7 things about yourself.
  • Pass the award along to 15 other bloggers who you recently discovered and think are fabulous.
  • Contact the bloggers you chose and let them know about the award.

                                   Seven Things About Me 

1. I love being at home with my kids but sometimes I can't wait to go back to work to talk to adults. It's so rewarding being a sahm mom but it's rewarding in a different way to go to work and accomplish something.
2.I am extremely open maybe more then i should be but I don't feel i should have to hide who I am for someone to like me. Take me as I am or not at all.
3. I have always had a passion to write and would love to make it what I do but I'm afraid I'll never be good at it so I always start something but never finish through with it.
4. I love doing crafty things but don't think I have a creative bone in my body.
5. I love learning new things. Once I learn how to do something I do it over and over again so I remember it and feel so great. I need to learn more things.
6. I wish I had more mommy friends sometimes or friends near me, but even when I do I tend to pull away from them. I have been disappointed by so many friends so much that I feel it's almost not worth getting that close to people.
7. I have been on and off with my husband since I was 15 which is 10 years ago and I think I love him more now then ever. things are going so great but then usually something bad happens so I'm almost always holding my breathe. I think this time may be different.

                                                 15 fab Blogs I Choose

                                                Through the rain
                                                The Tipsy Cook
                                                Stoic Tia
                                                Snips and Snails and Tales
                                                My eleven Reasons
                                                Cookin' with Super Pickle
                                                Pacifiers, Pumps & The World
                                                Victoria's Voice
                                                Isis...Then & Now
                                                Remember Ember
                                                Let me think!
                                                Ad Bits

Thursday, September 16, 2010

More hours, more fun

I wish I had one more hour in the day so I could spend it relaxing and blogging. Though I think if i had one more hour I would spend it cleaning or something lol. Isn't that how it goes. Well things have just been so busy these last few days. Tuesday I babysat which i do not recommend. When it is your children you have a certain patience and love for them. When it is someone else's it's totally different I think lol. I was just about going crazy that day. Not to mention I also went running around after they left. I wanted to do something special for my husband. We have been getting along so well lately i want to try everything I can to keep it that way. It always seems like we get along so well and then we have a huge fight. So I spend that wonderful time we have almost holding my breathe waiting for the fight to come. It usually does, but probably because I am expecting it to happen to. Well this time I am just going to enjoy it. So anyways, I wanted to do something special and his grandma used to make crab cakes him and his family all loved around the holidays. She passed away earlier this year. I looked up how to make them online but there is such a variety. I decided to give it a go anyways. Well of course I buy everything make them and they are the wrong way. I never tried them because I don't like seafood. (except tuna fish sandwiches which is weird. Must be a childhood thing) Apparently she put it on english muffins almost as a spread and added like half a brick of velveeta cheese. I don't know why but I started crying lol. My husband felt bad he didn't really like them cause they tasted like fish and he hates that taste.I just wanted to be able to do something special for them cause i know it's going to be hard when the holidays come this year and she's not here. It will be the first year. He was touched though that I tried and that meant a lot to him. Yesterday I went out to lunch with my grandma and had a margarita. i think a margarita in the afternoons should be mandatory for mothers. lol. She also wanted to take my youngest with her and that was fine by me he loves going over there and they love him so much. Not to mention today I am supposed to be babysitting today if they ever come. She tells me 8 and here it is almost 9. I could have slept for at least another hour. haha oh well I got my blog time in and at least I made it productive did a load of dishes too. I suppose I'll get back to my sahm duties and clean a little more while my oldest is still sleeping and I have time to do these things. I'll try and get on later if they come and tell you how horrible babysitting is going lo.